Star Wars is a huge deal: dog fights, monsters, and Mark Hamill. It’s massive with a multimedia empire that only grows with each passing month. Some people are confused as to what the chronology of the series is, but Fear not; No Majesty is here to remedy this and present to you the correct order of the series, from beginning to end – you’re welcome.
THE PHANTOM MENACE
Generally known as that one with the discount, Haley Joel Osment and Jar Jar fucking Binks, but there are some good things in this original movie. For one, the fight between Liam Neeson’s zen master Qui-Gon Jinn and Sith acrobat Darth Maul (Ray Park) is an epic piece of tension and fighting, plus the Pod race is pretty good fun. The somewhat racist portrayal of the Gungans, will always be a problem, not to mention the Trade Federation being a clear stand-in for Asian characters. However, there are moments in the film that really calls to mind the wonder of the original.
ATTACK OF THE CLONES
Okay, we’ll level with you – this is a terrible movie. It’s the worst Star Wars and there’s nothing on screen that can redeem it. Hayden Christensen is as awful as mopey sand hater, Anakin (sand is rough, coarse and it gets everywhere – not like Padme), Natalie Portman looks bored, and not even a mad camp Christopher Lee can save the whole thing from feeling like a bloated pre-title sequence. With that being said, John Williams’ incredible score and his love theme Across the Stars is worth listening to and it just about salvages this from total ruin.
REVENGE OF THE SITH
Ever wondered how whiney bitch boy Anakin went from whiney white boy to supreme bad mf of the Galaxy? Continue to wonder because this third prequel does not explain anything. He’s having bad dreams or something, Ian McDiarmid’s Palpatine is actually the Emperor – a plot twist that should surprise no one. Battle of the Heroes is good music, and General Grevious looks cool, but once again, there are too many inconsistencies and most importantly, the final ten minutes is just putting people where they need to be for A New Hope.
SOLO
Let’s be honest, you don’t remember what happened in Solo because you didn’t see it, and neither did we. Han Solo does some stuff with Khaleesi and Woody Harrelson, Childish Gambino might be banging a robot played by Fleabag, something with a child, a train – look no one cares. It is pointless, unfunny and a waste of a talented cast. Han Solo wasn’t old in a New Hope, so why do we need a young Han Solo movie?
ROGUE ONE
Despite being tampered with an unholy number of times, and apparently boasting a whole other cut that is a different film, this Vietnam meets Space entry is what anthology films should be. Essentially pasting over a massive pothole in the original film, Rogue One turns the Death Star into a father’s love letter to his child and adds an emotional core to the whole proceeding. Plus, it makes Darth Vader even cooler than he was before.
A NEW HOPE
A classic story done right, this fairytale beefed up with space fun and samurai movies with a western twist, come together to create its own new sub-genre that has entranced people for years. A young farm boy and a cowboy team up with a samurai to rescue a princess from an evil ruler’s fortress. Could the plot be more simple? No. But what it lacks in depth, it makes up for in scope, in its world-building and endless imagination of George Lucas. A classic, and a mammoth of movie-making.
THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
Also known as the one where everyone has a shit time, hands are getting cut off, people are being betrayed, people are being called names and Han is being frozen in carbonite. It remains the gold standard for Star Wars movies and becomes a shorthand for people to describe when a film becomes darker. It does become very dark but it is also something that allows us to get a better glimpse into the world. Also, that twist in it.
RETURN OF THE JEDI
The one with the teddy bears that defeat the empire. It’s certainly the weakest of the original three, but there is something to be said about the hopeful and happy ending, along with that chase through the forest. But, admittedly, killing Boba Fett so easily is a sin that can’t be forgiven. Also, there are a lot of weak elements that show a reliance on silly things that would come to the fore in the prequels.
THE FORCE AWAKENS
When J.J. Abrams aka Diet Spielberg came to direct a new Star Wars, there were expectations. Melding the wonder and vibe of the original films with the high tech of the prequels, the film is a triumph for enjoyable movie making. It’s sad to think something awful rose up after all that fighting the Empire in the original trilogy.
THE LAST JEDI
It was the film that launched a thousand angry, fanboy comments. Okay, so Rian Johnson might not have done everything right in this film, but the vitriol with which people like poor Kelly Marie Tran who was bullied by racist idiots. The Last Jedi isn’t awful, nor is it a classic; it’s still a hugely enjoyable well made Star Wars movie with one boss final battle. It had a fight between Dracula looking guards and with Rey and Kylo Ren fighting like bros.
THE RISE OF SKYWALKER
The final episode in the saga, ending the nine-film, forty-year story of the Skywalker bloodline. It is a film that could very well bring balance to the fandom or cause even more controversy. What is known is that it’s going to be the biggest film of the year (bar Endgame) and just like Avengers, it’ll have to wrap up this story in a satisfying manner.
