On the eve of what is clearly the event of the millennia, it would be a sin punishable by death, an act of treason and a malicious attack on what is quintessentially British, to miss the royal family event of the century: the marriage of Henry Charles Albert David and Rachel Meghan Markle this coming Saturday.
The opportunity to sit in front of your television on what is forecast to be a glorious day full of sunshine cannot be overlooked. If you’re of the mindset, you could even make your way to the streets in the hope you will see a speeding car escorted by police, who will strike you with their batons if you so much as lean over the majestic metal gates too far.
Or, you could be the ultimate loyal subject to your monarchy, and organise a street party – at your own expense – where you and all your neighbours finally talk to each other, after years of pretending they don’t exist.
But what if by some lunacy you decide not to get caught up in the whirlwind of excitement that this momentous occasion has to offer? What is there for you to do?
We’ve tried our best to compile a list of alternatives for the special day. We’re sure you’ll agree it’s an almost impossible challenge, but we’ve given it our best shot.
Watch your parents have sex
This simple act of knuckle bitingly awkward lovemaking won’t be half as awkward as watching millions of people stand on the streets, crying over a wedding that they weren’t invited too (but paid for), attended by people they don’t know.
Kill your household pet
This may seem barbaric, but performing an act of old-school ritual sacrifice is nothing compared to the sacrifice you would make wasting your day watching the wedding.
Chop off your foot
If you watch the royal wedding you certainly no longer have a leg to stand on in any argument you’ll ever have again, so why not solve the problem before it arises?
Try and fit a cheese grater up your arse
The royal wedding promises to be an ‘edge of your seat affair’, but you shouldn’t have to put yourself through three hours of excruciating pain to get that effect – put a trusty grater up your arse instead.
Borrow a wedding video from one of your mates
Subsequent boozing overwrote your memory of the whole affair last time – give yourself some memories back, and become the first person to ever watch a wedding video.
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Get smashed off gin & tonics
Why not? The Queen will be. Join Liz in being mentally absent from the whole day.
Watch one of the old royal weddings
Think about it: all of your sarcastic bitching can be super accurate. Spot the divorces and sex scandals years before they even happen.
These are just some of the suggestions we came up with, but if you feel like you have any other ideas, please do get in touch.
Simeon is a contributing writer at No Majesty.