Something orange this way comes; it’s Trump, of course, we’ve all been Trumped. This year sees President-defect and all round pussy grabber extraordinaire Donald J Trump (the J stands for Asshole, by the way), about to turn the White House into the exclusively white house (though some of it’s favourite extensions are black). As you can tell, us at No Majesty have some reservations towards the new President, but with new presidents must come presidential biopics; and these can range from the very good (JFK, Lincoln, Frost/Nixon) to boring as hell (Nixon, W.). The three most biopic-ed Presidents have been Abe Lincoln, Tricky Dick and JFK.
But there’s probably going to be more on the horizon; we’re about to see a film about Jackie Kennedy, while Rob Reiner is directing a film about Lyndon B Johnson, there’s films about Eisenhower, Theodore Roosevelt, and of course Netflix just released a very enjoyable film about the young life of President of the People Barack Obama in Barry.
But with a new President coming into office it seems only right that we run down ten people who should play Donald Trump in a film about his life.
Why not? He’s got previous playing egotistical TV types (30 Rock) and his impression of Trump is spot on, so much so that Trump himself has given endorsement. Is there anyone else who can play arrogant, self entitled dick-wad quite like Baldwin? No, because he’s Alec bloody Baldwin, many forget, but he was known for his hot temper, his torrid history with women, not really being apologetic – well dang, he practically is Trump.
Just tried watching Saturday Night Live – unwatchable! Totally biased, not funny and the Baldwin impersonation just can’t get any worse. Sad
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) 4 December 2016
The man who once graced our screens with the likes of Grease, Saturday Night Fever and Pulp Fiction has since insisted on torching his career, but in the 90s he did play a President in the not-so-subtle political drama Primary Colours, where he played a Clinton stand-in. Now older, more ridden with plastic surgery and possibly riding that People Vs. O.J. Simpson high, Travolta is perfect for the role of a washed up idiot who can’t pronounce words. You could even get the wickedly talented, one and only Adele Dazeem (Idina Menzel) to play Melania.
Okay, so maybe a smidgen too old, but have you seen Batman Returns? How is the crazy haired tycoon Max Schrek not just Trump in Gotham? Walken has a strange voice, check. Walken has previous playing maniacal world ending villains (View to a Kill), check. And if all else fails, it can end on a musical number! The Oscar winner could bring all important gravitas to the role, plus he previously played an orange primate in The Jungle Book.
He was at one point going to play George W Bush for Oliver Stone, but the once Batman and the man who killed Jared Leto with an axe (don’t we all want to do that?) is one of those actors who likes to transform for his roles (see: The Machinist, Rescue Dawn, Into the Furnace, The Batman movies, American Hustle). So, why not give him a challenge greater than his American Hustle weight gain, get fat, have bad hair (so far so Hustle) but also paint yourself orange. Bale would breeze this role having played rich murderous borderline psychos in the past, so why not give him another crack at being an American Psycho.
Read our rundown of the year ahead: what to watch in 2017
Someone, and I can’t remember who, said that Streep was the most overrated actress in the world. That person is clearly coo-coo, as Streep has more nominations than anyone else in the world. Ever. With three gold statues to her name she can play any role, and has in the past. Would Trump be beyond her abilities? Well, no. She has previous experience as a business tycoon in The Devil Wears Prada, playing a controversial leader in The Iron Lady, and even playing an evil witch. That’s the Trump trifecta.
When not trashing one of the biggest religions in the world, demanding smiley faced blowjobs from people, getting drunk or torching his career Mel Gibson has actually played some heavyweight characters. Scottish icon William Wallace (also a big fan of Freedom), post-apocalyptic leather fetish hunk Mad Max or even kicker of asses Martin Riggs (he also has zero cares about your diplomatic standing). Who could be better? And post-Hacksaw Ridge, Mel is probably looking for another project to direct & star in.
One half of the famous duo Cheech and Chong (ten points for guessing which one), the Up in Smoke actor also known for his affiliation with Robert Rodriguez hasn’t had a starring role for a while, but he’s been easily stealing scenes in the likes of Spy Kids and Machete, there’s no one better to play him, and of course who else knows more about Mexican culture than the defacto Mexican himself… if he says no, then maybe Danny Trejo.
He played Idi Armin, and since then hasn’t really had a ruthless dictator to sink his teeth into; the man is one of the best actors currently working and could easily fart (or should that be trump?) out this role, and to boot the man is built the same way and knows a thing or two about presidential films (see The Butler).
Because we need to see her more! Almost a dead cert for a Best Supporting Actress award, Harris is a piece of acting gold, and needs desperately to raise her profile. Despite bit parts in Mandela, Pirates of the Caribbean and a little franchise about some bloke named Jim Bond, this could be her post-Moonlight break out role, one that sees her standing toe-to-toe with the heavy weights in cinema.
He’s great, isn’t he? Best known for playing Sulu, or for perpetually munchie ridden Harold or Kumar in those films, he’s a great performer. If the recent twitter uproar #starringjohncho is anything to go by people want to see him in more films, now yes, he has dark hair but a wig can bypass that and can then lead him into playing the greatest three-time bankruptcy appointed business man who ever lived. This might also undo some of the controversy surrounding the Matt Damon-action vehicle The Great Wall, after all how better to mend relations with Asia then by casting an Asian actor to play a man who implements his own great wall?
Author’s note: This is entirely a joke, we in no way endorse that these actors should torch their careers in such a spectacular fashion… except Mel Gibson.
Paul Klein is a Film Studies Graduate from London, former writer at The Metropolist.